I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
pop tarts are not kleenex
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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