As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
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