My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
