Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
