the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
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