I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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