You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
