I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
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