I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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