I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
