What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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