I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
