I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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