I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
