I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Randomize
