Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
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