so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Randomize
