just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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