I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
