Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
