People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
