he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
