I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
