u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
