I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
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