When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
