I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
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