Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
