He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
