I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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