You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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