Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
