White coat. Heels.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
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