If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
