As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
