She's JV to your varsity
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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