I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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