seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Randomize
