It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
