She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Randomize