Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
