that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
