dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
