I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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