dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
