Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
