I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
