woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
