i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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