i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
