Already got asked if we're dating
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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