before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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