You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I feel great
I just peed on a car
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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