My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
