Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
