I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize