the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
We are two peas in an std pod
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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