this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize