I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
