I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
