my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
