she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
