I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
We need to rekindle our bromance
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Semen is not good for contacts.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
