Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize
