i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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