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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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